You Might be a Fundamentalist If
by Lawrence Taylor & Christian Kingery
• ...you think the earth is 6,000 years old
• ...you think Democrats are bad people
• ...you think environmentalists worship the earth
• ...you think God spoke in Elizabethan English
• ...you think everyone except your group/denomination are heretics
• ...you think the Bible teaches capital punishment
• ...you think the Bible teaches the right to bear arms
• ...you think the "Left Behind Series" is serious Bible study
• ...you think America was/is a Christian nation
• ...you expect to disappear in a rapture any day now
• ...you think most poor people are lazy
• ...James Dobson is your hero
• ...the only books you've read on opposing viewpoints are written by authors you agree with
• ...you think allowing homosexuals to marry will end civilization as we know it
• ...you think evolution is a plot from the devil
• ...you think "narrow path" is synonymous with "narrow mind"
• ...you think "the simplicity that is in Christ" means that all of the themes in Scripture can be understood by Forrest Gump
• ...you don't know how to explain the director of The Passion of the Christ being drunk and getting arrested
• ...you're afraid to buy sparkling cider because it looks like wine
• ...you can't admit that the water Jesus turned into wine might have been alcoholic, and that people might have gotten intoxicated from drinking it
• ...you think most natural disasters are a judgment from god
• ...you don't know how Christianity survived so long without your denomination
• ...you think the main point of higher education's is to convince you the bible is wrong
• ...you think that only Christians can glorify god
• ...you divide everything into two categories: "Christian" and "secular"
• ...four letter words make you more uncomfortable than malicious intent
• ...you think that a one-world currency will lead to the rapture, but you still try to convince everyone to stay away from a one world currency
• ...you think the gospel hasn't been preached unless an altar call was issued
• ...you think all Catholics are hell-bound
• ...you think two homosexuals living in a committed caring relationship are more sinful than jailing people indefinitely without charges or a trial or bombing the hell out of villages.
• ...you think promiscuous homosexuals are ruining the world, but will cut off your right arm to keep them from being able to commit to each other and be monogamous
• ...you actually think it's a GOOD thing that your pastor is uneducated
• ...you think if you don't have your morning devotions, you're day will inevitably be bad
• ...you think Jesus was white, and have never considered that he may have more closely resembled the look of what you consider to be "a terrorist"
• ...you'll take a bumbling Christian for president any day over someone more qualified
• ...you're pretty sure the four spiritual laws are in the Bible
• ...you are afraid of science, especially biologists and geneticists
• ...you are also afraid of gay people, pro-choice people, Arabs, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, anybody wearing a head scarf, anyone with a red dot or an ash spot on their forehead, blacks who live in the ghetto, immigrants, illegal aliens, Mexicans (by which you mean anyone who speaks Spanish no matter where they are from), liberals, ...
• ...you must keep your children away from all of the above
• ..."Christian values" means anti-abortion and anti-homosexuality. Period. It does not mean dignity, health care, job training, racial reconciliation, relief of poverty, justice, or mercy.
• ...you believe God would be pleased if Israel were to nuke all her neighbors
• ...when someone asks you how you are, you reply "blessed"
• ...you're afraid to use the word "lucky" because it comes from "Lucifer"
• ...You are sure Jesus is coming in 1980...1988...2000...2008...2012
• ...you think the world council of churches got together with the UN & invented global warming
• ...on Halloween, you turn out all the lights and pray for the heathen neighborhood children
• ...you think "Leave it to Beaver" and "The Andy Griffith Show" depict real life in America in the 1950s
• ...you think, "smile, Jesus loves you,” is a valid cure for depression
• ...you think that "pray for your leaders" means to pray that they become republican
• ...you repeat and believe without question every story you hear about a miracle happening in your church, but you have never seen one...even though you've been attending and involved for 20 years
• ...you think that every man of faith down through the centuries would have loved to have had the opportunity you have to be a part of your denomination
• ...you actually believe the FAA doesn't allow both a pilot and a co-pilot to be Christians in case the rapture happens
• ...you tithe 10% of your income to your church, but look the other way every time you see a beggar
• ...you have perfected the art of gossiping through prayer requests
• ...you have at some point owned an "in case of rapture..." bumper sticker, and you don't feel like the biggest moron in the world
• ...your definition of how long a "generation" is keeps changing
• ...too many sixes in a number makes you nervous
• ...you don't understand why everyone can't see the truths in the bible as clearly as you can
• ...you use the phrases "Lord Jesus" and "Lord God" in your prayers like they're commas and the word "just" in replace of "um"
• ...you don't think Obama is the anti-Christ, but you think he's a great example of how the anti-Christ will deceive the masses and rise to power so quickly
• ...your pastor wears mainly Hawaiian shirts in the pulpit, but your church is nowhere near Hawaii
• ...you regularly feel guilty about not having Christian bumper stickers on your car
• ...you believe that most people who have left your church have walked away from god, whether they are going to another church or not
• ...stories about “disappearing hitchhikers” make you cry instead of laugh
• ...you pastor has told your church about a team of scientists drilling into the earth in Siberia who drilled so far that they heard the screams of what sounded like "millions of people" suffering. This story sounds reasonable to you.
Written by: Lawrence Taylor & Christian Kingery, my old college dean and fellow alumni.
Be free!
Mike M
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So so funny!!
I actually laughed out loud. This was great.
I would have to score it to see what percentage of Funde I am. It is so loaded that you look almost as ridiculous as the poeple you are making fun of. This is not the answer either. I think that the religious right dudes are pretty pathetic, but so is this extreme. When did religion have to become so political? I recognized some of these "people" but I also wondered if you learned about some of them in the media where the favorite sport is making fun of people with faith.
I agree with Pete. We must remember that these people that become so adamant about stuff (politics and religion) are also in bondage to "fear". They are like anyone caught in a web of sin it does no good to ridicule them. Speak truth in love, and act out the reality of Christ's love in front of them.
I just think it is funny. Especially the ones I can identify with.
sounds like these guys take themselves way too seriously!
OMG, this is great
This made me laugh out loud. Esp. the letter 6 and the screaming people underground. I remember hearing that story! I was horrified as a young believer. Sometimes we can get soooo serious and not laugh at ourselves. I use to be alot like this. I'm so glad to "be free". YAY!
I think this is hilarious, but sadly true. And that comes from 30 years as a Christian who was a lot like the observations you list, and 20 of those years as a pastor who gradually moved away from fundamentalism to just being a Christian.If I can't laugh at the old nature of mine, expressed in these descriptions, I'd better repent of my intolerance and narrow-mindedness. Wait, I already have, and God's grace is taking care of it.
This is great! What about that Las Vegas is forbidden land?
I'm pretty new to this site and impressed by a lot of what I read but this somehow struck a wrong chord in my heart. I guess I've never been good at laughing at myself. Some of these things if people really believe them it is not a laughing matter. Other things, well I thought free believers could make up their own minds and have differences of opinion without being mocked and I still believe a couple of those things. The wine issue seems to be a bid deal to free believers - I've seen it referred to a number of times on the site. But nobody seems to comment about the number of acohol related problems there are in our society but you can't love people and ignore that. Jesus loved people so whatever happened at Cana, I'm sure he didn't encourage an intoxicated husband to beat his wife; the
wine is not the point of the story anyway; Jesus love and concern for the people who were embarrassed was the point. If drinking hurts people, don't do it - not because of some no no law.
I don't mean for nobody to drink at all but in certain circumstances where it is not wise (eg stumble an alcoholic, etc)
jenny, even an organization called free believers trying hard to be free from religious entanglements can end up in a web of it's very own "religious" belief system. i applaud this group for the 95% of awesomeness. but there is (much like every other church culture) plenty of room for transformation into the image of Christ. i laughed at most of the list about, was stung by a few, and offended by some. but we must learn to deal with being offended and still love the offender.
Maybe the author should apply the "you don't understand why everyone can't see the truths in the bible as clearly as you can" to themselves.
Yeah, I agree it sounds like these guys take themselves WAY too seriously and have some bitterness issues to work out. Some of them are funny, some are just mean and condescending.
What are the four spiritual laws? I've heard this mentioned before but I wasn't sure what they were. lol
I used to be a fundamentalist if I had to say yes to 99% of those facts
I agree with most of it...but you have to be aware of the fact that you might sound just as rigid or Hard line about what you believe as some the ones you are making fun of here :-)
Sorry; my final impression is you wish to change God into your image.
That's a pretty far stretch from what's in this post Serena. It's like having a final impression that aliens have soft heads. How in the world did you get THAT from THIS??
Some are funny but I get the feeling its like if you believe any of these (different than we do) its becuz you are religious? I dont want to swing over to becoming worldly, in fear of being religious. Like I dont want to say, everything the church believes is a plot of satan, but if you believe evolution is from satan, then your nutty and religious. Or "...stories about “disappearing hitchhikers” make you cry instead of laugh" Thats kinda disturbing to me, maybe I dont get that one, cuz thats pretty odd to me that it should be funny? I may be missing the punchline there or somthing. Also I have read both sides on the alcohol thing and both sides have good points, so I can see people taking either side. But saying if you take this side is only because you are religious..or cuz your pastor told you, is kinda arrogant and i get that vibe. Anyways, lot of them are funny, some not so funny.
You might be a fundamentalist if you believe the earth is millions of years old and believe that those who believe otherwise are stupid. Fundamentalism is a shifting foundation.
You might be a fundamentalist if you believe the earth is millions of years old and believe that those who believe otherwise are stupid. Fundamentalism is a shifting foundation.
This list was obviously written by a left wing Democrat. It is insulting to throw all of the left wing rethoric into the mix. It also shows a lot of ignorance on the part of the author. I found some of it funny, but most of it was agenda driven and has nothing to do with Christianity.
I do believe the earth is 6000 years old and I do believe that evolution is a plot from the devil. I believe that scientific evidence supports the view that the earth is 6000 years old. Evolution not only is already disproven and based on twisted facts and illogical arguments, but the mindset it presents has resulted time and time again in tremendous evil. Hitler used it to indoctrinate the German people so that they could justify atrocities. As for most of the other things, they don't apply to me. I don't believe that homosexuality is natural or brings life to people, but I don't hate homosexuals or think we should treat them as less than other people. I think that the main issue isn't gay marriage, it is that we need to preach the good news that can change people's hearts instead of trying to always regulate what people do.
It is so sad how you make a mockery out of things instead of praying, but it shows the lack of Christ in your posts... And aweful how you mislead people in to believeing you have all the answers.
Who are you talking too? The writers of this aren't even apart of this ministry and this is the only post from these guys on this entire site. They were just having fun. Lighten up.
so scary because i used to be a fundamentalist, and i actually believed alot of that crap.
This is so so true. I've already had most of these "yikes"! moments. I remember hyperventilating over the age of the earth, evolution and dinosaurs. Trying so hard to pretend I believed their nonsense. Oh how we can look like such fools! This is good stuff, hilarious yet true. The gossip through prayer struck a cord, I witnessed this many times. My husband and I would be kneeling in prayer and have to bury our faces in the pews pretending to be crying to cover up the laughter. My prayers used to get rebuked by the pastors prayers. He'd tell God to pretty much disregard my prayer. Thanks for this, been there done that!
You claim to be a Christian right? But you will post something that is off, wrong and not from Christ. Even if you didn't write it it is how you feel or you wouldn't have posted it on your site.
I'm a recovering fundamentalist and every single one of these made me laugh with relief that I've finally found some people who have apparently experienced God turning all their paradigms upside down too. And yes humor is a very good way to deal with what, in my opinion, is a lot of insanity that has hijacked "Christianity" . . . and a whole lot of that stuff presented in my Father's name damaged me and mine and a lot of other people. So thankful that the Holy Spirit is helping ME lighten up, grow in tolerance, covet being more loving, and yes separating all that "political" stuff from what I call "where the rubber meets the road" real Christianity. And how thankful I am that what Jesus accomplished at that cross was so big, powerful, and complete that He has us all covered as we struggle with this stuff.