Tales of The Toilet
I saw a newlywed couple eying a toilet at Home Depot today and I leaned in and said, "Don't even get one." They looked at me as if I were crazy. Little did they know, they had just encountered a man of great wisdom and insight.
When I was a single man, a toilet was used for the usual things; going to the bathroom and throwing up after having too much to drink. Today, however, I have been enlightened. My 5 children have brought me into an entirely new level of toilet usage.
In our home, we use the pool for a toilet and when we throw up, we do it on the carpet, the bed, the couch, daddy's pillow and on each other. Toilets are used to send unwanted toys to less fortunate children in China. They are watering holes for the dog and great sinks for small children to wash their hands in. That little silver lever on the upper left-hand side is really nothing at all. It's just for looks. It's only real use is to bring an answer to the question, "How far will the jump-rope go down?" Perhaps a sad Chinese kid might grab the other end and play tug-a-war with us.
Toilet paper, in my house, isn't used for what other people use it for. Our kids don't use it for that at all. They'd rather sit in a warm bath several times a day because their butts burn from not using it. My five-year-old informed me the other day that, "It doesn't matter because it's summer and we just go swimming now."
The toilet paper I buy is used as napkins, wash cloths and as the main ingredient in cast making. Occasionally it will actually end up in the toilet, but only if it's done for a learning experience bringing answers to life's deep questions like, "How big will an entire roll grow if deposited in the toilet."
I suppose it's better that our children don't use toilet paper for what other people use it for. Their mother has taught them that an eight-year-old girl needs sixteen feet of paper to wipe a dime sized space on her body. The entire hand and half the arm must be mummified before proceeding. Some of the kids skip the mummy process altogether and go straight to the terry-cloth shower curtain. We got rid of that because we had company coming over.
I have found that with five children, a toilet makes a great ab builder. Once the seat has been stripped and loosened enough after having endured its proper use as a stool to get into the cabinet above (oddly enough, for more toilet paper), it takes every muscle in the lower abdomen to stay on without sliding off.
A little piece of advise here; don't store medications like Aspirin, Tylenol, or Tums in that little cabinet above the toilet! Our family is on perhaps the slowest learning curve in the world. In spite of past experience, we still insist on storing our tooth brushes, dental floss and nasal spray up there. Everything from ear drops to Neosporin have taken a dunk at least once in the Hufford house.
The little trash can behind the toilet should have a sign on it that says "optional." It's really just a Purgatory for items to spend time in before they end up being flushed to China. My youngest daughter thinks that China is were all the fish go when they die. One day she threw a tampon in, and to this day she swears that "Jelly Fish" are made in toilets. She's the only one who actually uses the toilet paper for what it was made for. We know this because she's nice enough to throw it in (or by) that little trash can before she leaves the bathroom.
When I was a single man, the bathroom was a place of privacy. Today however, it's a place where family board meetings are held. It's an amusement park with free door rides and a disco with a built in strobe light operated by a four-year-old. It's been ten years since I've sat in a bathroom alone in peace. On those occasions when I travel, I find myself sitting in an airport bathroom wondering whether or not it would be appropriate to ask the guy in the stall next to me to come over for a visit so I will feel more comfortable. Perhaps he could put his fingers under the stall and say "Daddy, can you see my fingers?" I always wonder what the other men are thinking when the words "bye-bye" slip out of my mouth just after I flush.
By now you're asking, what the spiritual point of all this is.
There isn't really one. Just thought I'd bring you into my world.
(by the way, the young couple at Home Depot left without a toilet. I know because I watched)
Darin Hufford
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In our house the trash can is a urinal - That must be the difference between having boys and girls. Needless to say we threw away the trash can -
You are histerical. I love you!
Thank you for the middle of the night laugh. I needed it. And having stayed at your house, I can testify -- you're not lying. And don't forget, that the toilet paper is also used in lieu of a hand towel... :-)
Oh! and Danielle - we have thrown our wicker trash can away in our house, too. I made the mistake of putting it right next to the toilet. Couldn't figure out why I would scrub the whole bathroom and still end up with the smell of pee-pee. These boys...!
For someone who talks WAY too much about poo, I was totally captivated by this post and am SO glad there wasn't some pithy little spiritual tie in at the end. Hooray for poo stories. Especially from a freakazoid family like yours :)
I laughed sooo hard! Thank you! I needed it. I can relate to all this with my daughter!
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! (sighs with relief that you would totally understand the unique place the toilet has in my household also). I think my favorite memories are of all the notes and drawings slipped to me under the bathroom door while sitting on the throne, once the child had given up pounding on the door and shouting, "Mommeeeee" ...
Don't store sanitary napkins near the toilet either. Little boys think that they are space ships to fly around while sitting on the toilet for #2.
Speaking of Tampons..my oldest daughter was watching my son for me while I went shopping. I pulled in the drive and saw my Son sitting next to a pile of open tampons pulled out of the cardboard. His Sister told him they were like the "poppers" that you can get. The ones that have the string you pull and they pop. I got out of the car and he said "these don't work." We lived on the main street into a large subdivision. Sure that brought a few stares. I can relate to the "poop" audience..My husband can relate to the one roll a bathroom visit by women. Cute..made me laugh.
HA! Party while we poop! Remind me though, whenever I visit, that I don't want to use your toothpaste, an extra toothbrush or some dental floss.....:)
Ja Ja Ja Ja !!!!!! Thanks Darin. God bless our crazy families
I thought I was getting to know you pretty well, and was getting comfortable with you. NOW, I'M JUST SCARED....LOVE YA! LATER...
he he, thanks for the good laugh. You have a way with words, I can picture everything.
After the day I had today I just needed to zone out and laugh at something silly, so I gave this another read. You are a goof ball Darin. Thanks for a great laugh (again) :-D
laughter is spiritual
laughter is spiritual
"MOMMY! NO pee wiffout me!" I miss those days...sort of. I have hours and hours of time i can spend alone in the bathroom now and that just can't be healthy! Thanks for the rollicking laughter, Darin...yeah, it's spiritual:o)
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! That was wonderful!
Darin you are a bad, bad man, ROFL!!
Too funny for words!!
Too funny. I'm glad I only had 2 kids, 5 kids! I'd gone nuts. Did you ever notice that you can make sure that your kids go potty before you go to a restaurant, but once you arrive, even if the drive was 10 minutes, for some reason they gotta check out the plumbing at the restaurant. Then of course you have to do the germ protection ritual to cover the seat with toilet paper and repeat incessantly "don't touch that, it's dirty" but the still touch it....now your picturing them getting some horrible germs....sterilize the hands, oooh no!!! Yuck! Glad there grown up with their own kids to drive them crazy. BTW, they survived the bathroom germs.