The Friends Excuse
Once upon a time, long, long ago, I was having drinks with a buddy of mine at a dance club in Colorado Springs. It was a great place to unwind from a hard day's work, enjoy meaningless conversation and meet new people. We were halfway through our first round of drinks when I glanced across the bar and saw my girlfriend laughing and talking with a girl she worked with.
Just as I was about to make my way across the room to surprise her, two guys I had never seen before sat down at her table. I was paralyzed for a moment and sank back onto my bar stool.
The guys were sitting across from the two girls and it was obvious that they were either friends from work or just a couple of dudes on the prowl. My buddy suggested that we stick around and spy on her for a while to see if she flirted with either of them. In spite of the fact that every fiber of my being wanted to do just that; I nervously chose to leave the bar and go home early.
My buddy asked me about a thousand times why I would leave without waiting to see if she would cheat on me. I acted as if it was a matter of integrity, but integrity had nothing to do with it. I was scared. I was terrified of what I might discover. If there was a truth about our relationship that would break my heart, I would rather not know. I was content to believe that she and I were in love and she would never cheat on me. I didn't want to put that notion to the test, for fear that it might not be true.
I think for many people, whether or not they would like to admit it; this is exactly how they live their lives. Many of us are happy in our ignorance and we wouldn't have it any other way.
One of the biggest reasons why people continue to attend a church that is spiritually killing them is because t
hey have developed relationships that they care about. Next to "I go for the worship," this is perhaps the most common reason given for "sticking it out." It also has an admirable sound when we speak it aloud to someone who might inquire as to why we continue to put ourselves through the spiritual meat grinder of organized religion.
I have discovered that most of the time, the "friends excuse" is just that; an excuse. More often than not, people know in their hearts that the supposed friendships they have in their church are weak and frail at best. Most people have that same inner sense that I had in the bar that night. They know what the truth is, but they would rather live the lie because it's much more comfortable.
Other people feel a sense of responsibility to the people in their circle, so they stay because they want to help them "see the light." I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but I've never seen this end with success. I've personally found that if you want to help an alcoholic, you have to leave the cocktail lounge first and then call them out. Hanging out at the bar with them does nothing but provide comfort in the midst of their drinking problem. I stayed for several years trying to spread the light. It was like trying to light birthday candles outside on a windy day; impossible.
I understand that there are exceptions to what I am about to say, but in my experience, there are very few. I have stood by many folks as they made the final decision to separate themselves from their church. In the midst of this transition period, the results have always followed the same predictable pattern. The "community of friends" and the "close relationships" that people thought they had, ended up dissolving into nothing in a matter of days. It's a heartbreaking truth that the average person knows in their heart but would rather not face if at all possible.
What is even worse is that most of us have been programed to believe that these plastic relationships are needed in order for us to maintain spiritual life. All the while, we neglect our pursuit of the authentic connections that ARE needed because we think we already have them in our Sunday building.
I am not saying that this is the case all the time, but I will say that in every circumstance I have ever witnessed; this is exactly what took place. I always tell people who use the "friends excuse," to give those "friendships" a little shake and see how real they are. Skip a few Sundays in a row and if anyone bothers to call you, tell them that you're going to another Church. See if they ever call again. Tell them an old boyfriend or girlfriend came back into your life and you moved in with them, but you'd still like to have lunch sometime. See if they take you up on it. Tell them you believe in a Christian doctrine different than theirs, and see how long that "friendship" lasts.
I attended my last church for a little over seven years. I was a pastor there for almost four of those years. I had several other pastors on staff that I was "close friends" with. We spent hours talking about theology and life. We shared meals together and went to one another for spiritual advice. When we passed each other in the halls of the sanctuary, we'd say, "I love you, Brother" or "I'm praying for ya, Sister." By all accounts, we were an example to everyone of what true friendship was.
When I resigned, I harbored no illusions. I knew all along that those relationships were phony. I remember saying to my wife the day I quit, "Now you watch......I won't receive so much as a phone call from any one of them ever again." It's been four years, and not one person has called me. When I would foolishly call one of them over the years, they would avoid the call and never return my message.
Two years later, I called my brother-in-law who is a pastor in another state. I asked him a theological question about something that apparently made him extremely nervous. I was simply asking for a Bible verse that supported a view of Christianity that we have believed our entire lives. He became noticeably agitated while on the phone and said he would call back. Keep in mind, this is my sister's husband. It's now been over two-and-a-half years and I haven't spoken with or seen this man once. I've had a new son since this took place and this man has been in town within five minutes from my home on more than three occasions and he still hasn't dropped by or laid eyes on my little boy.
I wasn't hurt by this because I already knew these people weren't my friends. I was fully aware that institutional relationships are fake. They exist only for appearance sake. They're like cardboard cutout friendships. I sensed the shallowness in every one of these people when I was in their midst. I think most of us sense it, but we are afraid to admit it. Discovering that your entire world is made of tissue paper is scary.
The question that we all must answer at some point in our lives is: Would you rather have 50 fake friends or ONE authentic friend? How far are you willing to go in order to have something real? If you could wave your hand and find out for sure which of your friendships are real and which are not; would you do it? More importantly; what would you find if you did do it? I'll bet you already have a pretty good idea.
When my wife turned 35, she had what she calls an "Ah-ha Moment." She came to a point in her life when she sat back and took an honest assessment of the friendships she had. She began to find that some of her "closest" friendships were all based on a lie. It was a hard time for her, but in the end, she chose to live in truth, even if it meant being alone.
The process of becoming a Free Believer is often defined by those "Ah-ha Moments" in life. Those brief windows of truth that reveal what everything around you is made of. When you get to the point where you would rather be totally alone than pour time and energy into something that's not real; you are on your way to living in truth. Leaving organized religion is not about giving up friendships, as many people claim. It's about giving up the fantasy of friendships and facing the truth. This is the last door a person goes through before finding freedom.
Darin Hufford
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ouch! hard reality but good word.
It is good to choose our friends carefully!
New reader to your blog, and have greatly enjoyed what I have read so far. This is a truth that few people say but no doubt many people feel. Well put.
I remember you told me this about 6 months ago and I laughed at you (and thought for sure it wasn't true for me), and now I am in the middle of finding out it is true. I think it has been the hardest part of being a free believer and I hope when I get to the other side of this time it will be worth it because sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
Going through it right now...real fun..
I agree Darin... I wasn't fooled, I know how paper-cutout most relationships are. I agree if leaving it all behind truly brings a person to freedom it's worth it. But there are days I honestly don't know if I'm gonna make it. I get so lonely somedays it's almost truly unbearable. Kind of feels like choosing between school cafeteria meatloaf and just going hungry indefinitely.
Yea I understand. I think for a lot of us it's like when people turn the TV on when they leave, so their dogs will feel like they're not alone. Sometimes just the sound of friendship is better then silence.
Sometimes it is. Even 'cardboard friendship' at times can be like a sip of water in the desert... since we weren't made to be alone, our physical health even suffers over time. Another thing - some of us (most?) have gone to ICs who heavily condition people with, "We need each other!" I've heard more creative sermons on it is not good for man to be alone, and the three fold cord and not forsaking the assembly to re-wallpaper my house 17 times over. It is so hard because when you're without friends for a long time you start to feel it's some fundamental defect in yourself... I'm not sure how this is going to lead to freedom. I've always known the difference, maybe some people don't. But knowing the difference still doesn't bring real friends in my F2F...
Maybe people stay because they feel they have been sent there by God. Maybe its not about the other people being fake friends to me, but about me being a true friend to them. "Love does not seek it's own"
very true! went through the same about 2 years ago.
Knowing the difference doesn't bring friends into your life, but it does stop the pattern of phony friendships that we commonly are content with. The "Three cord" rope is based on real friends not paper friends. Sometimes we need to be alone because alone is what we really are when all our friends are fake. It just doesn't feel that way, but it is.
Yes, Rhonda many people do stay for that reason. I stayed for that reason, but I found that if I really wanted to help them, I had to leave and call them out of a system that is set up to make them paper. I also found that authentic friendship is two ways. Even if you are an authentic friend, you still don't have an authentic friendship until both people are authentic friends.
I'm all for getting real. But once you KNOW you have no friends, then what? The freedom is sometimes heavily overshadowed by the loneliness. How is this the last door we go through before finding freedom?
In my opinion it's just how life goes. If you even look at the Israelites when they left Egypt. They had to go through the dessert wilderness before they reached the promised land. In that wilderness they longed for Egypt and had to deal with the egyptian (cardboard cut out) within them.
Darin, I can really relate to what you said about authentic friendships being two way. As you know, I still go to an institution on Sundays. Whenever I had some free time, I would call some friends to see about getting together. I didn’t think much about it but about a year and a half ago, I got busy with several online groups and just never thought about calling anyone. Well, in that year and a half no one has called me unless they wanted me to do something. Some of these women had told me how much they enjoyed my company and how much they learned from me. In the past, when we did get together, I was always the initiator. Now, that I’m not doing that, it seems they don’t miss seeing me. I guess it’s just like you said, they were never authentic friendships to start with.
part 4: I believe, that originally every sentence that Jesus ever said was full of freedom. But look what happened to it over the centuries - we changed them into freedom killing laws. You know, John the Baptist was a man of separation. Jesus was a man of relationships - to such extent that even John became dissapointed. I just want to say it's very important not to make separation a new god. However, sometimes it's absolutely necessary to find the strength to leave. Genuine freedom and a real relationship with an amazing God is a solution to everything.
I only have one question...Where is the dance club in Colorado Springs? Sounds fun. ;-) Seriously though, another good post. I've found that my read on whether or not a friendship is authentic hasn't always been accurate, but it is improving. In 2007 I left Cincinnati and moved to Colorado, leaving behind what I thought were several inauthentic friendships in pursuit of one that I thought to be authentic. What I found is that some of the relationships that I left behind were real, and the one I was pursuing was not. Sometimes leaving is necessary just to be able to figure out who you are and who your friends really are.
p3: They don't communicate with anyone, they have their guru leader that reveals them all the truth and there's no way for me to talk with my father about God, because our pictures of Him are like million miles apart. I don't want to scare anyone with this. I just want to say it's really necessary to have the freedom to do anything. Sometimes it's necessary to leave but it can never become a law. Because law always destroys freedom. And really, anything can become a MINDSET. We people just have the ability to create a mindset out of any healthy teaching. I believe there are at least a few sick mindsets on every Bible verse. And the threat of creating new ones is always present - always when freedom grows the threat of creating new mindsets grows equally. Christianity is the biggest example
part 2: If free believers stay outside and alone as single individuals they'll die. And the relationships you talked about are not always fake. I believe there's also a big pressure (not necessarily physical) from the inside of your former IC on your former friends to leave you. It's just not black and white, but I'm sure you know this. You know, my parents left the Catholic Church a long time ago because it was dead and traditional and completely formal with almost nothing real. I believe the freedom took them out. But you know where my father is today after all those years? In a small group of 20 people that believe they are the only Christian group in the entire planet that has the full truth.
part 1: Don't you think it's quite black and white to say that a person has to leave any form of IC? Where is the border between a free church and an institutional church? Isn't there a bit of a risk of a mindset emerging that one has to leave in order to be free? I understand your post because I know your heart and I deeply agree with everything you said (my questions are not meant as provocation), however we are definitely not created to be alone. There's a deep truth in C.S.Lewis' Mere Christianity where he describes a picture of a hall with doors. Each door is a certain church or rather group of believers with common view of doctrines and faith. Food is only in the rooms behind the doors. If you stay in the hall you'll starve.
Myso you have great points, but it sounds like you heard something that was never said in this article. No one ever said that everyone has to leave any form of the IC. Not sure where you got that. If you read what was written, it is talking about leaving when it is "spiritually killing" a person. I hope you don't believe that we all NEED to be a part of an IC or we will starve to death. That's just not scriptural. We all need fellowship in order to have life and that fellowship does not have to come through an Institutional Church. In your fathers case, he just joined another IC. A smaller one, but nevertheless another one. His story is a good one in warning people of the destructive forces in Institutional religion don't you think? I am promoting authentic relationships over fake.
Chris, it was called "City Lights". I think it's long gone now.
What I have experienced is that when I chose to leave the IC to walk in the freedom our Father has given, it caused me to realize just how fake and cookie-cutter I was as well. Some of the people I have met along the way may have been true friends but since I was a fake, I couldn't recognize or receive them as such. Leaving the IC caused me to see me for who I realy was and it helped me realize that loving God and loving my neightbor as myself and doing to others as I would have them do to me are foundational for authentic friendships to thrive and survive. I have close friends that have been there with/for me for a long time and provided loving support along the way; however, I am sure that I chased a few away because I was blind to see them for who they really were.
This is a very important post. In the small town where I live it becomes more than just losing friendships. When you leave the institution, you never leave the friends.You see them every day in the grocery store,at the school or in the one Wal-Mart you may have.It is at this point that you literally become bullied, verbally abused and mentally abused.Your children are as well. You are branded rebellious and many other things. I was a recovering Alcoholic and addict when I left the institution and was clean for 5 years. After I left the institution I went back to my old friends (who treated me a lot better) and my old lifestyle. At the time it was either one or the other, I didn't know better. I had to be defined by my friends. I couldn't stand alone. I had happiness confused with pleasure.
Darin, just after the questions I said I agree with everything you said, because I know your heart. It might look a little schizoid but those questions were said just to raise a dialogue. I sometimes do that to keep the talk balanced. So please don't assume I heard something that was never said. I didn't. And you hope correctly, I definitely don't think we all need to be in an IC. I completely agree with promoting authenticity. I know Catholics that have more freedom and real relationship with God than any protestant I have ever met. And I just won't judge them according to radical protestantism I grew up in. Actually their little community was the first place I heard about a loveable God. As if they read your books, but they didn't even know Mr.Hufford existed. They just know the same God
In that case Myso I think you comments are right on as they stand by themselves. I think Freedom can certainly cause some to stand and some to fall. The question is; is it supposed to be that way? Even though freedom may be the demise of some, who's fault is it? Is it the person who died because of freedom or is it freedoms fault? My greatest fear Myso is when the day comes that these Free Believer principals are all written down and followed like a doctrine. Then it's all over.
(Please forgive my long Post continued from below.) I hit my second bottom and eventually ended up in rehab and it was there I started a real recovery from the inside out. I was given the gift to set aside all I had been taught in my life about God. I had to start over and accept that some of that journey may involve loneliness. I have found the God of my understanding and no longer need validation by a set of friends. Thankfully I am clean and sober for 5 years and that includes spiritually. I no longer need the Party lifestyle in or out of the institution. I can stand on my own two feet and no longer am I afraid nor will I compromise what is right for me just to have...friends.God Bless this site because it may be the only friend some have.
This dialogue is great! I understand what you are saying here. I guess I am fortunate to have experienced being part of the exception where some of my relationships grew after leaving. Of course, others wound up leaving too because they realized they were stuck in an environment of fear, control and manipulation. In the end, I can only hope that I can be an authentic friend to others. I hope you will write/talk more about authentic friendships as "fellowship".
"This is the last door a person goes through before finding freedom." Oh, how I pray this is true. I struggle with letting go of a paper friendship that was always real to me, but I guess it wasn't to my paper friend. It deeply troubles me that we cannot be friends. She was the pastor's wife, and feels I betrayed her & her husband by leaving, and won't speak to me. Maybe I can begin to give myself permission to let go. The prospect of freedom on the other side of that door is very enticing. Thank you so much for the post.
Such a great blog!! Such truth. I have definitely been through this process of realization in the past few years. The loneliness can be terrifying for sure, but I think it allows God to strip away the fat and insulation we prop ourselves up with. In this loneliness you have to ask the hard questions and then wrestle with the answers. I think when we take away the crutch of ministry or cause or IC, we have to really find out who we are and allow people to be friends with that person, not this constructed identity that we create in the midst of religion. It can be intimidating, but if we want authentic relationship we have to have authentic selves to offer. Hope this isn't too philosophical, but I was just so moved by this conversation.
Thanks Rachel. Great words. You are a motivating person.
Ha! I have an IC friend who tells me she'll love me if I leave the IC but I know that from the past when I left the Sunday meetings for several weeks, I felt isolated. I call it the "I-Love-You-With-The-Love-Of-The-Lord" friendships. Darin, I too used that one when asked why I continue to go to IC and I said to maintain my friendships. I thought it was true but the same people who befriended me from a bible study at my daughter's last school and invited me to their church, are the only ones who really seemed like friends to me when I went back to the IC after the short time of not going on those Sundays. They really know how I feel now and I ain't going back. One of them is the I-Love-You-With-The-Love-Of-The-Lord friendship and I don't know about the other one.
I like that quote. That's a better title for this.
Rachel, this is just an amazing sentence: "It can be intimidating, but if we want authentic relationship we have to have authentic selves to offer." It's so encouraging to have a place where there are other people with the same experiences. This has a lot of real fellowship in it. There is so much understanding and love here. So much genuiness and no standard stock answers.
I'm wondering if it's even possible to be authentic if your religion isn't. I've come to understand that pretty much everything I was taught looks to be pretty much false. In many ways I feel like I'm living in another world now. I feel like I'm at a good place, and I'm excited for the future, but I'm also completely lost in many ways, because everything I've thought to be true, seems to have been a lie. I'm standing on God's grace now, but it is such an unfamiliar thing to me. I'm relieved to not be alone in this, I'm very thankful to the Free Believers Network and the God Journey for some sort of idea of what's going on. I'm happy and sad, kinda mixed with emotions right now, which I think is to be expected. I'm hurt by people and yet I understand, because..gulp..I was just like them.
In addition to facing the friendship issue, the pastor at the first church I left was constantly warning against being a "church hopper," and that it wouldn't do much good to leave because all churches are full of flawed people. Just another form of mind control to scare people into staying. When I left, no one noticed or called. Where was that "church family" I was told I would find? This year, I have given myself the freedom to let go of "friendships" where I'm the only one who's worried about staying in touch. Phones and email work two ways, and if one end of the line is dead, then I need to move on. Thanks again, Darin, for another great post.
Darin- As you well know, I experienced this personally in my own life, when I sat with you and expressed my frustration with my church situation. It was difficult for me to step down from my position of leadership in the church and resign. It is always difficult to leave behind what you've become comfortable with, even if it is miserable. But what I think a lot of people also struggle with, is the fact that experiencially they are confirming your point, but are confused when scripture seems to say something different. I think many people stick it out because that's what they believe is taught in scripture, and that's what they believe is God's will. For years I struggled with this, and to some extent still struggle with it.
Darrin, thank you for the encouraging word. My husband and I left the IC several months ago knowing full well that we would lose a lot of illusory friendships. For 8 years we had been the couple that tried to build authentic friendships with people in our church, yet when we went through a family crisis last year and missed church for weeks on end we were completely ignored. God used this experience to draw us to Himself. We have no regrets in walking away from our IC, yet I must admit that this is unequivocally the loneliest time in our lives. We live in a small town where there isn't yet a growing community of free believers where we can find friendship. We're looking ahead to where God is leading but our hearts still long for the real relationship that God meant for His children.
I have friends on both sides of the fence and I can honestly say that the best friendships I have are with my free believer friends. There is Just no pretense and you are free to be who you really are without feeling like you need to watch every word and action for their approval. Religion has a demonic power to control us and one of the most subtle places this happens is in religious relationships. One of the most difficult processes for me has been to simply be who I am even in front of the unfree and just let the chips fall where they may.
Great article! Thanks again Darin. Jeff, I totally agree with your comment. So much that I am not posting comments with my name anymore for fear that some of my evangelical friends find this page. They are always ready for a debate to impose their ideas over others that differ :-(
Don't worry guys, we're growing rapidly and in a few years there will be more of us then them.
There are a couple of reasons why it’s hard to always be open. Part of it is personality. I’ve always tended to avoid conflict but a large part of the reason is also our institutional training. In the institution, we developed Mickey Mouse size ears but our speaking capacity became stunted. We learned to sit quietly and bottle up how we feel instead of expressing it openly. I think that’s a remaining institutional mindset that we still need to be free from. I’ve found that being a member of a very traditional thinking online group helped me tremendously in being willing to express my opposing thoughts. I guess having the protection of not being face to face helped. Anyway, I think this freedom is something that we will grow into as we more and more become the message.
Hmmm. Well,if I had not belonged to a church, there would have been no one to take me to my kidney & pancreas transplant when I got the middle of the night call, and no one to help me afterward. The people I know outside the church neither had the time nor money nor willingness to help me during that time If what the church members gave me was "paper cutout" frienship, I will accept it. This article does make me realize that I need to reach out more to the people in my group at church.
AB I was kind of hoping this article would encourage you to reach out to more people other then just those who attend your church. If we limit our friendships to people who go to our church, we're missing the message. I think it's great that these people did that for you. We all need help at times in our life and you are blessed to have had that with the people. The bigger question is; Do they know your heart? I'm certainly not trying to convince anyone that all people in every church are fake and their friendships are all fake. I'm just pointing out that many church relationships are based on you going to that particular church and not on heart connection. If you were to leave that church and attend somewhere else, would they still help you in the same way?
I totally agree! My husband and I (and kids)have always seemed to make friends more easily with people (Christian or not) who have not part of the churches we have attended. We've always wondered if there's something wrong with us. We have never had the desired deep relationship with fellow church members. We are now in the process of moving to AZ and are nervous about finding true friends!
Another excellent post! My wife and I well remember the painful weeks, then months and now years of never getting one phone call, or visit from any of the people we attended church with after we left. The pastor and his wife too for that matter. I recall thinking,"...why did we call ourselves brothers and sister in Christ...?" This kind of nourishment kills us!
Some years ago we did not attend our own church for six months because we were supporting our son who was doing drug rehab by visiting him for Sunday services there. Nobody called. Nobody wrote or visited or tried to encourage him despite his having been in the church himself up to his teenage years. We tried hard to make friends there but as soon as trouble came to our family it was as if we had an infectious disease. So I guess I already know this. I go to another church now where I have made little effort but I persist in convincing myself that I have a few friends there. Time will tell; all things will come to pass...