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Apr 20, 2009

The Truth About Fellowship

I was speaking with an old friend last week and the question finally came up about five minutes into our reunion. He asked, "Where are you going to Church these days?"

Trying to be as vague as possible, I responded simply, "We're not going anywhere at the time." The inevitable moment of silence came over the phone followed by an awkward and predictable, "What are you doing for fellowship?"

He wasn't being judgmental or religious. This man was sincerely concerned . The tone of his voice told me he was even a bit fearful for me, and he told me so before we parted ways.Darin Hufford dry His concerns were born out of all that he and I had been told our entire lives. I could dry up spiritually or be open to attacks from the enemy. I could grow wrong and become susceptible to heresy. There are a thousand things that could become of me if I were not in fellowship with other Christians and any or all of them could decide where I ultimately spend eternity.

It's difficult for me to become angry in situations like this, because this person was clearly looking out for me and loving me to the best of his ability. This guy wasn't looking for a spiritual debate. He wasn't trying to put me in bondage or scare me, and he certainly wasn't acting on behalf of the institution as a mole or a recruitment officer. He cared for me. He was concerned.

I shared some of his fears when I first made the decision to walk away from the structure of Church. I'll admit that I was a bit skittish and apprehensive as to what would become of me in "the wild." Would I quit hearing God's voice? Would Satan gain special admission to my home or open access to attack me now that I wasn't under a covering? Would I dry up and lose interest in God? Would I become pagan?

I think most Free Believers who make the decision to leave their structured fellowship grapple with these same feelings. It's hard not to. We've all been warned of the dangers lurking. We've all heard the stories of the families who left "the fellowship" and ended up poverty-stricken or spiritually "off." Who in their right mind wants to risk that?

This one subject is discussed more than any other among Free Believers. People make the decision to enter the wild and they lose all their friends in about a week-and-a-half. They usually leave with a plan in the back of their minds. They concoct a picture in their mind of sitting with friends and eating dinner at their home. They picture something organic, something real, something simpler than the rigid form of fellowship they had grown tired of. Once they get out, however, they quickly find that those friends they had hoped to invite for dinner no longer exist.

This is the point where fear sets in. If not fear, it's usually depression. They had no idea that they are about to enter a world of loneliness that they've never planned for. A worldthat will at first seem to validate everything they've been taught about leaving church. A world where everything they've ever known or thought they knew will be put on trial. In the midst of this loneliness, they experience a nagging feeling that all they've been warned about is beginning to come true. The one base (fellowship) they tried to cover has fallen through. Every part of them knows that they NEED fellowship in order to survive, and their present lack of fellowship begins to take its choking effect on their lives. "If something doesn't change soon," they think, "we'll have to come up for air and go back."

I find that when many Free Believers are describing their new life to others, they are extra-careful to ensure that everyone knows THEY STILL HAVE FELLOWSHIP. That seems to be the first and most important thing for any Christian to survive. It's like oxygen. Without it, you will surely die. This has become a statement of fact throughout the Christian world. It's not even challenged any more because we've all submitted to this teaching. Anyone who says differently is headed for certain spiritual death.

Guess what.

I say different.

I know this may be hard for people to believe, but you can actually survive quite DArin Huffordcomfortably for long periods of time without fellowship. Moses was in the desert for 40 years before returning to his people and having "fellowship." John was exiled on an island ten miles long and six miles wide for years, and he didn't miss a beat in his Christian walk. John the Baptist lived allDarin Huffordalone in the wilderness. The Apostle Paul spent most of his time secluded in a prison cell. The Bible is full of characters who spent years without fellowship and they not only survived, they emerged better and stronger because of it. I feel that the Church lost the truth about fellowship about a thousand years ago through our desire to manipulate folks and keep them coming back faithfully. It's time we recover it.

Darin HuffordI am quickly arriving at the conclusion that when Free Believers begin to feel as though we are dying without fellowship in the wild; it's purely psychosomatic. We've been taught for so long that we couldn't make it without fellowship, that the first few weeks and months alone, we begin to feel that we're not making it. It's been burned into our brains. We psychologically conform to what's been drilled into our heads over and over.

About ten miles from our home, there is a power company. They have a large cluster of really tall power lines that sit together along side of the road. For the longest time, builders couldn't sell homes close to those power lines because word has gotten out that they could cause brain tumors in people who spent too much time in the vicinity. To this very day, when my wife, Angie, and I drive by those power lines; she gets a headache. We laugh about it every time. I believe that the empty and desperate feeling many new Free Believers get in the wild is exactly the same. It's the power of suggestion at work!

I know many sincere Free Believers who are eagerly seeking fellowship somewhere, some way, somehow, because they feel the effects they've been told about slowly creeping into their lives. Some folks have gotten themselves to a point where they are in an all-out panic. They actually feel the tumor growing in their head.

Many times, it's not even that people desire exuberant amounts of fellowship. Some people are just naturally private, but because of all the teachings they've endured through the years, they feel they can't live without it. The entire subject has become an exasperating carrot dangling in front of our faces, but always just out of reach. No matter how much fellowship we force ourselves into, it's never enough. There can always be more, and the truth is, everyone needs a different amount. Some people need bunches of friends and others only need one. When we make the private person have bunches, we disrupt their personal life flow and tweak their heart.

I'll be perfectly honest with you. I live in a home with five kids, a wife and a dog. My DArin Huffordsister-in-law and her family of four kids, a husband and a dog, come over to our house for a few hours every day. The last thing on my mind throughout my week is, "Gee, I really wish I had some more fellowship." Chasing five kids around, bathing them, getting them dressed and loading them in the car so we can drive to a building and sit quietly for 40 minutes listening to a guy give a monologue about God, is NOT fellowship. That's self-abuse.

If you're living in the wild and freaking out because you don't have anyone; don't worry. Time alone is a good thing. You're not going to implode. Don't stress about not being in fellowship. You can survive for years without it. I'm not trying to get anyone to forsake fellowship; I'm just pointing out that the Christian slogans we've lived our lives by for so many years are not based on truth. We say things like, "Christians need fellowship or they will die spiritually," or "Fellowship is the most important thing for a Christian," and they have no Biblical foundation. They are all exaggerations that came from a simple verse that says "don't forsake it." That doesn't mean you'll die if you don't have it. It doesn't mean that it's the most important thing in the world and it certainly doesn't mean that you'll lose your salvation without it.

When making the decision to leave the structured system of Church, my advice is: Do NOT attempt to ensure you'll have fellowship on the outside, due to fear of imminent spiritual death. I would suggest that you PLAN on being alone. Pace yourself. Don't freak out when it happens because it will. Embrace it. Accept it for as long as it takes.

You're okay. Don't worry. You're fine.

Darin Hufford

 

 


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Comments

  1. Gravatar
    MrsG

    I am just venturing out into the wild. I don't go to services anymore. My husband isn't sure yet(although he's coming around slowly) so he still goes on Sunday morning - that's okay.
    Here's my point. I came to the conclusion that I don't much like the kind of "fellowship" that happens at the baptist clubhouse way before I left, so I don't really miss it. I have my husband and adult children (20 & 21) that I have wonderful fellowship with. I am becoming free to love people where they are. Even homosexuals and really bad "sinners"(she said sarcastically)! I don't have to judge anyone or be in the "us against them mindset". I'm waiting to see who God will bring into my life next. It's exciting. Thanks for the blogs and pods! They are a big part of my journey.

  2. Gravatar
    candice

    Wow. Just today I was opening up to someone about my journey and I hastily and repeatedly assured her I still had "fellowship". Funny.
    Nothing is God but God. Everything else dies. That could be my motto as of late. In reference to man made sacred cows that somehow became attached to my salvation.

  3. Gravatar
    Brian

    As a nurse, who tries to help the sick get well, I meet many patients who try to get me well by inviting me to their church. I can not tell you how many times I have been invited to someone's church, but not invited to know their Lord. It's like the serpent that Moses lifted in the wilderness that latter generations of Israelites began to worship. A godly patriach called it Nehustan, meaning just a piece of brass. So, then, we see what originally had a spiritually meaning can become someone's idol. People often boast about how good their church is, but little do we hear how good their Lord is. If our confidence is in our church body, we may have our confidence soon shaken when we find the truth behind "it is vain to put confidence in princes." Thanks for the great post. Keep it up.

  4. Gravatar
    Brad

    I read somewhere that the Greek word translated as "fellowship" means joint participation. For a believer that would involve participation in the Spirit. It begins to clarify the inability to fellowship with the world. You can have dinner with a non-christian, or go bowling with one. When you start to participate in things they participate in like throwing back a 40 and smoking a blunt or being mean and abusive to others, that's when you end up in darkness. With this definition in mind, that would mean going to church isn't even fellowship because you're not participating, you're only receiving if anything at all.

  5. Gravatar
    Silas

    Excellent Darin! Just how "FREE" are we when we have to conform to the will of another...? A person could live the simple life of a hermit, never swat a fly, never harm another person and be condemned for living 'out of fellowship' with other Christians...!!? This actually shows how many modern churches makes the "fellowshipping" verse an ultimatum.

  6. Gravatar
    gettingbetter

    Darin I sometimes will wonder "did he write this blog as a way of crying 'uncle' so I will quit pestering him about it?" And then realize that my experience and insecurities are far more universal than I realized. It is really weird, I am slowly realizing now that I am actually happier being alone a lot. I've been told being alone and wanting to be alone is horrible so many times that this realization is only coming very slowly... but it is coming. I would love a real face to face friend day to day, but would rather be alone than go back to some of the faux "church fellowship" relationships I had before.

  7. Gravatar
    out of the fog

    Hi Darin, Frist post but got to say thank you. I have been reading for a while but mostly don't know what I want to say in response. Most of what you say rings so true, it is like giving my heart back a voice stolen long ago. Anyway in response to this post, I must say I have not had as much difficulty with this as some. Because I realized long ago the fake relationship that was supposed to be happening at IC, never was fulfilling anyway. The only sincere fellowship I have had in my life is with my wife and if that is all God has for me this side of heaven then I consider myself mightily blessed indeed.

  8. Gravatar
    Darin Hufford

    I like the way you put that fog. I'm with you. I feel the same way about my wife.

  9. Gravatar
    BobC

    Darin, my experience has been that leaving the IC has opened the door to a deepening friendship with Jesus. In the wild there's tons of room for truth. In that atmosphere, I've relaxed so much with others that two real friendships are flowering and more are sprouting! The common ground of these friendships is Jesus himself. Our converstions are about Him directly or what He's been doing in us. I believe our security and direction in the wild is this indwelling presence of Jesus we all share.

  10. Gravatar
    richard

    I like the term self abuse: "drive to a building and sit quietly for 40 minutes listening to a guy give a monologue about God, is NOT fellowship. That's SELF-ABUSE." Thats' basically what I did for 25 years out of 32 years of christianity. rich

  11. Gravatar
    myso

    Maaan, your kids are beautiful. You're the ugliest face in the picture :D

  12. Gravatar
    Donald Zimmerman

    YES THERE ARE MANY MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT LEAVING,OR LETS SAY NOT TOTALLY DEPENDENT UPON THE LOCAL CHURCH FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST. SOME CHURCHES PUT CURSES ON OTHER BELIEVERS ,IF YOU LEAVE... ETC. SORRY,JESUS BROKE THE CURSES ONCE AND FOR ALL AND SO SHOULD WE. OUF GREATEST FELLOWSHIP RESIDES WITHIN THE QUALITY OF FELLOWSHIP WITH THE PERSON JESUS CHRIST AND OTHER BELIEVERS. WHEN I AM FULFILLED IN JESUS ALL THOSE THINGS I WAS TOLD FALL AWAY TO THE WAYSIDE AS DUST UNDER THE BELIEVERS FEET. MY PERSONAL OPINION. RABBI DON

  13. Gravatar
    Russ

    Yes Darin I get all the Christian jargain ramed down my throat almost daily. And lets see you and I left the structured church almost 6 years ago???? in 2003 I think it was?? And yes I went through all that pain an developing the understanding of getting through it all. but I'm hear today and stronger than i ever was in my walk and relationship with God. God is awsome.

  14. Gravatar
    WendyNCanada

    Yes, God is Awesome. Period.
    Well, AidaC from the forum recomended I read about Fellowship when I was lamenting on feeling lonely. Now that I see I am not the only one...I think the business of life, being with people 24/7 etc. makes us look at man, be distracted by man and man-made things. Aloneness is forcing me to actually think on my own, listen to my heart and HIS leading. WOW a novel idea!

    WendyNCanada

  15. Gravatar
    jenny

    I have been to my church (90 minute service) and stood around 20 minutes after and not engaged in meaningful conversation with a single soul. Greeted a few who have said "Hi" and moved on. Other times I have engaged with a few people who know me and I know them and felt some "fellowship". Yet people there rave about the loving fellowship of the place and they wouldn't miss it for anything. It is like "What am I missing here?" I have always struggle with the meaning and intention of fellowship. Waht you say is good.

  16. Gravatar
    Jacob

    Anyone who has read Haralan Pappov's life account will realize, our Relationship with God is not dependent on when last we saw scripture or had fellowship. I salute you Haralan, and my heart weeps when I think of what you had to endure.

  17. Gravatar
    Warren Aldrich

    It's amazing to me how well you articulate these things. Thanks for your clarity and your going through and learning what you've learned.

  18. Gravatar
    C Wells

    Thanks Darin.

  19. Gravatar
    Jenny Watson

    Loving this article...I remember listening to one of your podcasts or sermons about this,and what stood out so clearly was when you said....if someone has been in an abusive Relationship, the last thing they need is to go straight back into another one! You need time out, which is where I found the Lord spoke to me the clearest and began the freeing up process... He opened up a totally new refreshing ,Loving, Relationship with Him and many others around me!!! Thanks Darin, always Real... :)

  20. Gravatar
    Kevin

    I enjoyed reading this. Of course assembling together doesn't mean we have to assemble as we've always been taught. Right now we have started a Bible study in our home and have been having great fellowship, etc. Do you think the Bible teaches in the Pastoral epistles that no matter the type of fellowship we choose to be a part of, that the group needs to be comprised of Deacons, Elders, Pastors, etc, that serve the group of believers, their community, and beyond? I guess my only struggle with your article (I love the out of the box thoughts)is that if forsaking the traditional way of meeting together (which is not bad) also forsakes the things God said comprise a church body (gifts/offices,great commission, etc), then the freedom can lead to not operating as the church. I agree that the meetings we traditionally have need reformed, but do you still implement teaching and these other aspects of the Bible's description of the NT church into the type of fellowship you do operate in?

  21. Gravatar
    Darin Hufford

    Hey Kevin. Thanks for posting. In answer to your question I have an article I wrote about 5 years ago that might explain my opinions a bit further. It's called, "The Church that Christ Built." Here's a link----> http://freebelievers.com/article/the-church-that-christ-built

    I think the problem is that we look at the New Testament writings as if they were meant to be a new set of LAWS. I think this is the biggest hinderance to our thinking as Christians today. Just because the bible records that they did something a specific way, that doesn't mean we all must do it exactly THAT way. The New Testament simply records how THEY did it in their day.

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