Aching Roundabout

I'm searching for my significance

through the papers in my room

past the walls and corridors

and empty pots and pans

And the time that stands

and judges

tick tick tick!

like a teacher with a stick...

 

will I make the grade today

be swayed by emotions

or be strong and bright

and loved and right

on track in the paths

this spirit school has for me;

the 'ways of God'

the 'narrow road'

of all those who know

where they've come from

and where they'll go...

 

But I'm back again to that panic place

where all I have is an ache and a scream

and the constant threat of deterioration

of the aging and breaking

of this world I'm making...

correction!

NOT making...

And can't make.....

it's faith and rest

and waiting...???

 

and all the hireling Holy Men say,

 

'TIME, its passing by so quick !!

so grab grab grab!

and stick stick stick!!!

to the plan Stan

the plan of the ages

that riots and rages

through your soul, no, spirit...

oh cant you hear it?

We're the voice of GOD,

get in line you bad body part!!

 

and what are you, after all, if not on THIS ministry team

THIS destiny, THIS dream

to bring this lil body together

minus individual nurture and love

'cause that's somebody else's baby, baby!

 

We're the ones with the blue print

of God's big dream!

and we'll keep on

convincing you...

because,

we're sure you'll do

just fine once convinced.....

or minced.

which is it????

 

oh I'm not sure of a thing

whether my life's a life

or dream?

what is this destiny

is it mine or His??

or who's responsibility?

 

and no,

I cant carry whats too heavy

but I'm trying,

there are points for trying, I've noticed!

and everybody's noticing everybody

and the party's happening 'round the gifts

but no one can find the people

underneath all the wrapping and ribbons

and burst balloons

 

what am I here for ?

really

what about all the work involved

does it matter?

or do i have to live this life

of religious partying and parleying

with spiritual phrase books

and feelings more alone

and unable to be bare and vulnerable

and childlike than ever before

whats it for?

 

why is destiny stretching my heart

like a rubber band

round a place i cant even see

and haven't the strength to get to?

who are you God?

 

You talk to me through the night with pictures

I cannot understand

and yet demand

that I not waste my life

but all I know is wasteland living....

Mess and wonder...

mess and mystery....

who are You God

this One who made me?

 

eleasah