Boo Radly

I was dragged back into my memories today,

pushed right back into realising that all along, I have known what I'm learning

and yet, have lived a lie,

believing somehow in some virtuous self crucifixion and what it really is,

is just waste and more and more waste.....

For if Christ died 'once for all', then my inner religious death will certainly achieve nothing -

the point of me is life, true life.

 

Today was one of those days, a stinging slap in my face,

I have always known this and have doubted and doubted

and squandered and squandered

I could see it beginning early on,

the breaking in half,

the inner conflicts around tender ages

that was where I first encountered true cross roads.

 

I could see it all laid out far to clearly, far too openly and plainly,

I felt nauseous and didn't want to see,

but I had to,

the movie was playing inside of me and it began there;

with the 'War of the rational and reasonable'

 

Somewhere I had decided my heart must be content to just do drugs,

have emotional flings and stay amused

while my head got on and did the real business of living;

meanwhile I treated my heart like a family shame,

hidden away in the attic - a bastard child, the town joke,

locked up in a room where no one goes,

 

".....we hear it thumping, banging into things, and we don't know what it does..."

we ask questions like,

 

"is it mad?

will it die up there?

is it going to break out?

are we ever really safe?

or maybe this 'Boo Radly' heart is going to come out when we're all asleep and stab someone!"

 

I can see children, the children of my thoughts, rushing upstairs every now and again,

curiously peering through the key hole at Boo, looking ,looking, hoping and hoping, that

they can finally find a way to open that door - just enough evidence and assurance,

that there is something good in this heart after all......

 

and I wonder, sit on those stairs and sulk

and then I argue with myself and weigh up all the pros and cons

and then I scream, "I cant! I cant take the risk!"

 

but the more I learn about truth and freedom, the more I'm realising the truth is in that dreadful, dreadful room

where I haven't lived since I was very very little.....

 

why it was all just a dream wasn't it?

 

 

my Boo Radly.....

my Boo Radly....

I look at my heart - and rock her, sometimes she has the face of a baby, a girl child,

sometimes its nice to hold her...

especially when someone breezes past and says ooh look how beautiful she is!

then I feel proud, she is not just a Boo Radly today at least!

 

other days she's a snarling wolf,

wise and aware of all my treachery, what I've done to her,

how I've tethered her and instructed her in domestic dog living

other days all I have is blood and mess,

all the attempts at emotional abortion,

every one failing, every one disgusting,

every one hopeless,

and blood that screams at me and screams at me

because its living blood, in a living heart and will not die.

 

If I poured my feelings onto paper

and made little stock cards, every now and then I could prop myself up in that old leather chair and play a game of 'What do you see'?

and then, when the answer was wise or deep or amusing, I'd let my little Boo out to play on a leash with a packed lunch,

just enough for the day...

 

And so, in so many stories and in so many scenes, there is the division of self

my division

the division that happens when one side questions

and one side just aches

and they both decide to go seeking, each their own way, perhaps they'll find the answer

and come back to the same spot to compare notes,

 

have we found love?

have we found hope?

do we have faith?

 

alas, off I go again......

 

So today, today when my little Boo Radly was bouncing round the room saying, 'I told you so!!! I told you so!!"

and my mind started it's rant of, 'you've known this all along but you doubted and you lost it

and now you are just another idiot needing more teaching!!!

You deserve it, you were dumb enough to doubt.'

 

and then I look back at Boo and she's busy smiling and running rampage 'round the place

like a five year old girl at her princess birthday party....

 

It's like staring at two sides of the same coin and being in the wrong damn country....

 

You know how nice it would be

to pack myself up, old fashion doctor style,

put on a long coat and walk away,

very far away,

as if I know where I'm going...?

 

the only things that ever helped in the past

were all the trappings of religion or idolatry;

- I could 'go worship'

or I could 'get worship'

or I could 'give and get worship'

- if I joined the ministry.......

sounds like the best assemblage of a desperate inner division....

 

I know I am ranting, I am ranting as it were, from a spiritual hospital bed,

I know I jump around like a grasshopper, sometimes tender,

other times poisonous

and I listen to 'good' things,

like a nurse coming round, taking my blood pressure at intervals during the day,

I take my doses of 'good things',

to keep the pain at bay

and I submit myself to this 'Christ over me'

this Christ,

this husband God,

who is all at once so brilliant

that when I see Him,

I am wholly whole

and yet when I look at me,

every crack,

every broken thing

is an enemy.

 

So here I lay,

with no one to talk to today

no one with lilies or cards

to take the blues away

or pull the curtains around my shame

or call me by a sweet pet-name

I am alas,

alone

with not even credit

for the telephone.

 

Forgive me

but more than that

accept this is as real

as all the highs that I too feel

all the dances with wisdom

and mountain climbs

with revelation

and gracious glacier treks

with wonder and awe

and that beautiful ability

to melt the ice

and water you all.

 

I am angry

I am sad

I am full of questions

and desires to be bad....

 

I would get drunk ten thousand times

and swallow all the pills

but I know they will wear away

to other kinds of ills

and then what do I say to you all?

you all so lovely

so living

I cant pretend

I didn't know.

I do

I just wish I didn't know today

that's all