Spiritual Obstacle Course

My spiritual obstacle course

like a good girl, I run it

I know it well,

I keep thinking

perhaps I cheated on the last round?

perhaps I could have run it better

perhaps I haven't a ten out of ten just yet

isn't my faith dependant on the fact that I keep on running?

 

I have found that I have never yet run a perfect race

never completed a perfect course,

never had a PB

that I was sure enough of.

 

I found myself today

in a puddle of tears

asking what it will take

for You to show Yourself to me

or me to see You

or whatever

the correct 'faith' wording is...

I just ache to see You.

 

My dad,

whoever You are,

I know Your name now

some of Your story

I have felt Your presence

and Your healing touch

I love Your people,

Your music

and all Your gifts

I have a sense of the time

and the purpose of things

I think I have a fairly good idea

about what's what....

 

but I found myself in a puddle of tears

saying how come I have to wait?

Why do I have to wait?

They tell me it doesn't take a special person to see You

but only special people say that...

they reassure with their faith filled, sparkly eyes

and I know they mean it.

I believe them.

 

But I found myself in a puddle of tears saying,

Dad, I don't want to run this course any more!

I was doing it for You

I thought it was good training ground

I thought it was what would please you

but all it did was uncover my ache for Your face

and how much I ache,

and now I guess, I know it fully

That I can never be satisfied

apart from Your face.

 

Do I long for You because I'm so holy now?

Have I finally become so consumed with the fire of love

that all I want is to see You??

is it in a glorious blaze that I have become single in my focus, dedication,

worship and adoration?

Have I finally become a fit follower

a burnished, refined in the fire, chosen one?

 

No, I've just become tired

and hungry

and lost in the brambles of religion

disillusioned,

feeling weak,

and used

feeling helpless and wounded

saying, can I come out now??

 

Like a child sent to her room

to make do

till daddy's ready to see me again,

I've become desperate for Your face

Your reassurance,

Your embrace,

Your breath,

Your strong arms

can I come out now?

 

I have taken Christianity to be like a sentence I have to serve out

and depending on how well I serve

will be the measure of love waiting for me

at some faraway point in time

 

I'm crushed by it,

like someone with a life sentence in prison loses the will to live it

and begins to wish for an out, so the futility and shame can be over with,

that's how I feel

 

let me out! I want to see You

I want to see the one my heart loves!

Dad, get me out of here!

I don't believe in being sent to my room

or religious systems any more

church culture is crippling to me

 

the world and all it's rat races

no matter what team is supposed to be the winner,

could do nothing to sanctify me

nor satisfy me

to truly set me apart nor clean me up

and somehow now

I just believe that raising my arms to You

and saying pick me up daddy! I want out!!!

is the right thing

the true thing.

 

the rest of this Christian life

in all its wonderful mystery

must be lived from inside Your arms

snug

like a bug

that's what I want.

 

I want it to BE you

not be about You

no tests to pass or fail

no grading system

I'm out.

 

I've passed through all the land of 'my faith'

created by my conclusions

my reactions

and reasonings

my strivings to cope, my efforts to improve

this faith,

that's not faith

but fear and work

toil and separation

 

I've come to the end

and I'm running now

out of the prodigal son

out of the older brother

out of the spectators

tax collectors

Pharisees and failures

right into the centre where the angels

are looking on

right to the place,

of my Fathers embrace

and heavens song.

 

 

eleasah