Letter from Rachel

Hey Darin. How are you? 

So I've been reading a lot, I read The God's Honest Truth and am now reading The Relationship Code and I've been really loving all of it. My boyfriend and I listen to your podcasts all the time and talk and everything and its so wonderful. I hear you say all the time that the things you say, people just go, "thats how I've always felt about things," and it couldnt be more true with me. 

I want to bore you with my (hopefully) short story. About a year before you even came to Utah, I was visiting with Danielle Miglio and Tamie Tanner and they mentioned you and honestly, I couldnt have cared less at that moment. I had so much going on in my life, my home life was complete chaos with my dad's new and crazy "marriage" and I was in a crappy relationship and I was working in a store that was shut down and had to move to a crappy location and was pretty hateful towards myself and my body, starting a new diet every Monday, my mom was passed out for days at a time from drugs, living with random people and men, all with my 3 year old sister living with her... the drama was endless. ANYWAY, I thought, just more to make me feel bad about how I'm living... 

Then when the time came that you had come out, all of this had changed.. my step-mom moved out of the house with her 5 daughters, our home life was amazing without them. I got out of my crappy relationship and found a man who has the biggest heart and was experiencing a beautiful relationship with him. I actually didn't have a job because the store I transferred to shut down also and I was just laid off. I haven't dieted in about a year because obviously my attempts failed and I was tired of trying to be someone I wasn't, and found confidence in the things I hated. My mom was off drugs, but was in an abusive relationship and I was so bitter towards the man. Things were better, but of course not perfect. I was now 21 and had a good time with alcohol, never any hard partying, but I drank to get drunk, just for a good time. And I picked up smoking. 

But at the point that you came to Utah, I was hiding under a table from God, feeling so much shame and unworthiness because of my new smoking habit. It was about 3 weeks into it and when lighting up, I turned off klove or any other Christian song playing, because I felt God was looking down in disgust at me for doing this. I felt He was so mad at me and I would have to wait until I stopped doing this to run back to Him and tell Him I was sorry. I hadn't prayed, read my Bible, gone to church, or anything like that because I felt dirty from smoking. Thats how I felt. 

I remember I was having a cigarette at home before my 30 minute drive to Tamie's so that I didnt smoke on the way there in fear the Christians gathering would smell it on me and question me. I had NO idea what to expect with this, and was whining to my boyfriend about not wanting to go. But Danielle and Tamie keep me accountable in a sense and I felt like they would have been so mad at me if I didn't go, so I was going to please them basically. 

When you first started talking, you asked my sister and I what church we went to. I had no answer because I hadn't been to church in about a year, maybe going here and there to The Rock church or something, but no regular attendence, no being a "member" nothing like that and I was afraid to even say that. My sister answered that she had been going to different churches all over, basically with whoever was going to church that day she would tag along, not having her own car or anything. I was so embarrassed! haha. She had to point out that we, of course, still believed in God. 

Anyway, thats what has brought me to this point of really getting emotionally involved in the Free Believers network. You came right out and knocked all my ridiculous thinking on its face and it pretty much unlocked my heart that I had been trying to keep shut. Its all pretty crazy to think about. I left that night SO refreshed, and tried to repeat everything to my boyfriend, especially how you talked about being a chef, because he has a chef's heart, he makes things no one else thinks of and never measures anything or looks up recipes, and I always thought that was weird... but I was failing so hard haha because I am the worst at taking the main points and taking them out of context and making people so confused. He didnt get it at all at first. Of course, I came back the next night and got a book and read it and was so into it, it was so refreshing and beautiful and I was sad when it ended haha. 

Anyway, all while reading the book, I tried explaining the things I was reading to Jimmy, my boyfriend, and he didnt understand the way I put things. We got in an argument about how it all felt weird to him, but he said when I was done with the book he would read it. He read it and it has also opened up his heart, it must have something to do with getting the whole story and not just bits and pieces out of context! We now together listen to the podcasts and talk, and he reads the books after I get done with them and then we talk and we are understanding love now in a way we ALWAYS known it was. From the beginning our relationship has been deep and committed and everyday we share together we love each other in this crazy way and its so great and we know our God and for me thats big because I was raised in an AG church and never ever knew Him this way that I do now. Jimmy was raised in a primitive methodist church and he doesnt understand everything you talk about when it comes to the institutional church like I do, but he has experienced a different thing than me, but there were a lot of old testament teachings he held on to, condemning himself so much when we drink, reciting "drunkards would not inherit the kingdom of God" and such things, and also standing on the heart being deceitful. Anyway, my point is, in coming to truly know God and start a true relationship with Him, and also, the relationship him and I share has become so amazing from all of this and our relationships in general are thriving and we just love out of everything we can. 

So I guess thats basically it. I dont really know why I wanted to tell you, Im sure youre a busy man, but just know that how you came out to Utah and talked to that tiny group has changed my life and I dont know how much longer it would have been if I hadn't have come or you hadn't have come. My heart is so free... 

One last random question, do you do weddings? haha. Im randomly thinking about that today, I know we've got about a year or more, but it would be nice to know because you have become a mentor in a way to both Jimmy and I when it comes to relationships in general and we love your unique and bold way to look at things. It would be quite fitting I think haha. 

I do not blame you if you have not read the entire thing! But I feel grateful to you and what youre doing, so Thank You.

-Rachel