Resistence , misidentification and stillness.

[radio roswell]

Lately for whatever reason I can feel a sense of awareness about resistence coming to the forefront of my spiritual joureny. And for good reason I suspect.

I say all this not for sympathy but more for to get an idea of where I am so it can be related to. A postcard from my world.. As in " Greetings from............"

As most of you know I am a stay at home dad with my two daughters. It's challenging , very challenging but in ways you may not suspect. Although my wife reminds me of the enormous responsibility and importance and purpose of my job I can't help but feel very unfulfilled at times. More times then I care to admit in fact.

I desperately at times dream of being a worldy success. A rock star supporting my family and being the more then sufficient wage earner touching the lives of others with my dazzling array of musical and lyrical genius. then the alarm goes off and I'm up at 6:30 am making pancakes or a bowl of fruity pebbles for my princesses.vacuuming french fries out of the van , running a load of laundry and contemplate the removal of a mountain of dishes from the sink to the dishwasher.

There is also no shortage of things to be done around the house,projects half done that my wife desperately wishes I would finish and perhaps a new order of menu to the much overdone dinner choices would be heaven to her.

And this is where it becomes real. Real unselfish. I like my life..I do..but this new area of reconciliation to the creator through a great cosmic consciousness of wholeness and stillness is a good door. In fact it seems to be the only door now,

Have I mentioned that I noticed that a lot of gurus and spiritual insight authors do not seem to have kids ? Who knows maybe I'm doing exceptional given the distractions and chaos ?

Anyway...I'm sure we all feel this sense of imperfect idea of purpose. And I know it's well known fact of deeply entrenched ego not giving up just yet. The mechanical thoughts of everyday living and laundry are certainly not one I feel identifiable by yet as much as I'm aware and yes unfortunately preach as such...I do and fall into. Where as the resistance of this practice , if just leg go and heeded as serving would make much more sense and a deep appreciation of the presence of life would come rushing in.

We are getting there. Slowly, painfully slow. I am beginning to see I am exactly where I have perhaps divinely asked to be.

And to be or not to be....well is still the question.

[free2behis]

Good post...

I think for many of us, finding our path, and satisfaction walking it, is more about letting go of how we "thought it should be."

It has been a struggle of mine with all the shit that I went through, and am still stinging from, a few years ago. Life, God, the universe threw me a curve ball, and I was looking for a low hanger right over the plate. I had it all figured out, envisioned my future and how it would look. Something, or someone else had other ideas. I could have continued to fight, bitch, moan, and cuss about it, or I could just choose to go along and make the best of it. I too, am getting there.

[radio roswell]

Good post...

I think for many of us, finding our path, and satisfaction walking it, is more about letting go of how we "thought it should be."

It has been a struggle of mine with all the shit that I went through, and am still stinging from, a few years ago. Life, God, the universe threw me a curve ball, and I was looking for a low hanger right over the plate. I had it all figured out, envisioned my future and how it would look. Something, or someone else had other ideas. I could have continued to fight, bitch, moan, and cuss about it, or I could just choose to go along and make the best of it. I too, am getting there.

Right? Yeah..I knew you could relate to this.

And yeah not even worrying about the bouts of kicking and screaming...it happens and very natural.

[Mark]

http://www.amazon.com/After-Ecstasy-Lau ... 17-5373545

[Mark]

I am so there with you. My life is the opposite of how I thought it would be. I am also currently not the breadwinner in my realtionship. She also reassures me and reminds me, but millions of years of set gender roles runs deep. You are right about the gurus and religious leaders not having families. Sadly, most of them have stories of abandoning their families or leaving on good terms once they are set up with money and the kids are grown. Workaday mystics are called "householders" and there are many stories of "enlightened" householders, but the ancient narrative of the spiritual "hero" generally follows the whole Joseph Campbel "hero's journey" scheme. Thats sort of how he was able to identify the narrative arch. From the ancient greek myths to the Indian and European ones (Homer, Buddha, King Arthur..) we see the same basic pattern. The same pattern can be seen in a more domestic or smaller scale in yhe lives of householders. We've all been, all of us, men and women, on "hero's journeys" of our own. Childhood, adversity, and triumph, even unexpected triumph when seen in a different light, by any other name...
In the end, even if I burn out and fade away, I'm not sure if I would swap my life out for the safe route if I could go back.

[radio roswell]

http://www.amazon.com/After-Ecstasy-Lau ... 17-5373545

What great title . Thanks for the link.i find myself in meditation being super aware of childhood for some reason. I guess it was before conditioning and reasoning got it's hooks in me too deeply. The wonder of being fearless and quiet minded was still natural ? I don't know but there is a connection somehow... I started writing down some of my childhood profound experiences. The air , the music, the cars and food..anything In detail I can remember. Especially the character of the people.

An example ;

I can remember my uncles sitting in those weaved polyester folding lawn chairs. The Pabst blue ribbon cans , the smell of charcoal on the weber grill and the clang of horse shoes and comments and digs at one another. My dad would try a drink one even though I knew he didn't care for beer. He wanted to look like one of the guys in the yard. The old radio with the world frequency and black leather bound cover on it hanging from the tree with the baseball game on in the background. I remember being the beer runner and bringing them out from the old philco fridge in the garage. I would open them and collect the tabs and on the way back to the yard sneak a sip ..lol. I remember the above ground pool and making a whirlpool in it , my grandmothers jello salad and my aunt made the best pudding cake.

It's this kind of nostalgia I find magic in remembering. The experience of sharing life and we didn't really know it. The world was only on @ 6 pm . No scrolls or constant headlines and soundbites. You had to live in the moment it seemed. There was such a stillness of time although things were moving around you. If hear the song "afternoon delight " I can be transported there in .02 seconds.

[Mark]

http://www.amazon.com/After-Ecstasy-Lau ... 17-5373545

What great title . Thanks for the link.i find myself in meditation being super aware of childhood for some reason. I guess it was before conditioning and reasoning got it's hooks in me too deeply. The wonder of being fearless and quiet minded was still natural ? I don't know but there is a connection somehow... I started writing down some of my childhood profound experiences. The air , the music, the cars and food..anything In detail I can remember. Especially the character of the people.

An example ;

I can remember my uncles sitting in those weaved polyester folding lawn chairs. The Pabst blue ribbon cans , the smell of charcoal on the weber grill and the clang of horse shoes and comments and digs at one another. My dad would try a drink one even though I knew he didn't care for beer. He wanted to look like one of the guys in the yard. The old radio with the world frequency and black leather bound cover on it hanging from the tree with the baseball game on in the background. I remember being the beer runner and bringing them out from the old philco fridge in the garage. I would open them and collect the tabs and on the way back to the yard sneak a sip ..lol. I remember the above ground pool and making a whirlpool in it , my grandmothers jello salad and my aunt made the best pudding cake.

It's this kind of nostalgia I find magic in remembering. The experience of sharing life and we didn't really know it. The world was only on @ 6 pm . No scrolls or constant headlines and soundbites. You had to live in the moment it seemed. There was such a stillness of time although things were moving around you. If hear the song "afternoon delight " I can be transported there in .02 seconds.

Ha! Afternoon Delight. I was given the Steve Austin ($6M Man) Action Pack for my birthday and I couldnt make it do anything until I connected the alligator clips to the chainlink fence in the back yard and it picked up that song somehow like a radio and it came out of alittle speaker. Other than that I couldnt figure it out. I went back in and watched Bonanza. Just mentioning that song transported me there in .02 seconds.

[ianstephenson]

.

[radio roswell]

Ha! Afternoon Delight. I was given the Steve Austin ($6M Man) Action Pack for my birthday and I couldnt make it do anything until I connected the alligator clips to the chainlink fence in the back yard and it picked up that song somehow like a radio and it came out of alittle speaker. Other than that I couldnt figure it out. I went back in and watched Bonanza. Just mentioning that song transported me there in .02 seconds.

Mark


My brother had that Steve Austin figure and the Stretch Armstrong.

[radio roswell]

I think the quest for meaning is a universal endeavour and perhaps one that intensifies as we age. I'm a mid-level public service hack embedded deep in the bowels of the machine. In other words I cut code for business applications however, although I think my skills are okay there are others who eclipse my attempts. So I reconcile myself with being a reasonably good maintenance programmer but that's as good as it gets. I often dream about doing something else that would deliver satisfaction in spades but although the desire is there I'm not smart enough to get to the what and the how of moving on.

Regarding those super spiritual folks? I'm reminded of a damning quote from A.W. Tozer's wife who remarried after his death: "I have never been happier in my life," Ada Ceclia Tozer Odam observed, "Aiden [Tozer] loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me"

Even geniuses get super depressed.I think of Brian Wilson while trying to write for the Beach Boys.His brilliance didn't make him satisfied and he was supported by many to accomplish his goals. So maybe it isn't the accomplishing per say although that's easy to say not attempting to experience it in any regular sense of successes with my dreams in the arts.

I am coming to the conclusion that the mere imitation of expression of the expanding universe or this force we may call God is the natural force and Worldly fame and fortune success is a sort of lottery scenario.

[radio roswell]

If you get a chance I strongly suggest taking a look at this movie clip from one of my favorite movies. " My Dinned With Andre" . A realist and a mystic play writers have dinner to catch up on the friendship and experiences....it's mind blowing conversation and yet very intellectually stimulating. If you get a chance watch the whole movie.this is part 10. In part 11 the realist responds and it's really good. I show this to make the point that I think both are describing the same thing but the perspective and experiences change the language of the same idea.



http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eMEoRhG1qfY

[Mark]

If you get a chance I strongly suggest taking a look at this movie clip from one of my favorite movies. " My Dinned With Andre" . A realist and a mystic play writers have dinner to catch up on the friendship and experiences....it's mind blowing conversation and yet very intellectually stimulating. If you get a chance watch the whole movie.this is part 10. In part 11 the realist responds and it's really good. I show this to make the point that I think both are describing the same thing but the perspective and experiences change the language of the same idea.



http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eMEoRhG1qfY

Oh, that's interesting. I've heard references to the title but have never read the book or watched the movie. Until you described it I never made the connection - it probably refers to Andre Breton, one of the fathers of Surrealism and the author of the Surrealist Manifesto. I will track it down.