Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

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radio roswell
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Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by radio roswell »

I have a confession

They say the church is where we come to confess our sins one to another. Well brothers and sisters , since this is one of the only churches I have left I need to confess.

The last few years have been a series of evolving out of the bitterness of IC life. I was reading some 2009 posts and wow were they fired up about it. I was throwing mental hand grenades fueled by emotional fire hoses of bitter waters.

Although I believe it was a nessacary stage of coming out at some point you need to grow past it. I found the root of it or maybe it found me when the time or vibe was right.

It goes way back even before the IC days. Childhood even.

You see for years I have always seen the world and life a bit different. Slightly off from the mainstream I'm not special in that as I know several others who do too. I'm an artist and poet although I don't really need a fancy coffee house or Starbucks to channel my identity of flow just Dunkin Donuts coffee will do or a Diner and a critical observation of thought in my car about culture , the world and institutional implementing on a notepad to take down the frequencies of communications of my current emotional state.

Sometimes I share them on message boards, put them to music or post a snippet on Facebook. Share in conversations in the 3d world too.

I observe critically even against my own contrast of cognitive beliefs and sometimes that spills over. It's very complex and causes anxiety at times but it is my mission so to speak. Why ? Well I think to help my self and others challenge and evolve spiritually out of that very contrast. But on the "others"end it is only an enticing invitation to add to the discussion if warranted .Nothing more.

And that is where the rub is.....

I have seen now that I have wasted vast energy on the desire of getting people to understand me or " get " me. I would find brilliance floating through the ethos of cosmic awareness coming to me and then owning it and hoping I would be rewarded as the origin with the flimsy cardboard award of brilliant applause from others and would expect that they would understand my vibe.

I knew and know what I was meaning and going through but that is all it needs to be. In priority that's all it ever needs to be, I don't need to be " gotten" or fully understood. This expectation is and was a false sense of security and identity. It paid very little and required so much thought and energy.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to be aware for now and hopefully more often at my own being and be completely ok with its isolation of instructional awareness unto my own welfare without validations from anyone.

And if you find your audience that's great too. But it's gravy , dressing , whipped cream....ketchup.....it's important not the highest priority of your own spiritual well being.

I finally can put a finger on why religious churchyanity bothers me so much.. More later.

Peace
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by AidaC »

Jeff, you and I must be on the same thought pattern. Just last night, I was talking to a free believer friend and I expressed some very similar thoughts to yours. Darin's latest podcast, "The Blueprint to People," really caught my attention. He stated how he's always lived inside himself and how that has helped him to understand himself. I can relate since I spend most of my time inside myself.

While I'm not artistic, I do have some amazingly brilliant thoughts and most of the time have no one to share them with. Sometimes, I'll share them on Facebook or over here but, most of the time, I keep them inside of myself. At times, I'm able to share them with someone else and I love it when that happens but I've gotten to the place where it's okay if It just stays inside of me.
radio roswell wrote: And that is where the rub is.....

I have seen now that I have wasted vast energy on the desire of getting people to understand me or " get " me. I would find brilliance floating through the ethos of cosmic awareness coming to me and then owning it and hoping I would be rewarded as the origin with the flimsy cardboard award of brilliant applause from others and would expect that they would understand my vibe.
Like you, the desire to have the approval of others is starting to die and what freedom that is. So many people, even close family members, look at me as though I come from Mars and, in the past, that would cause me to try to appease them. What a huge waste of energy that was and so very exhausting. It also caused me to not like myself but now I realize what an amazingly fantastic person I am or, as it's recorded in the Bible, "I'm fearfully and wonderfully made." No longer do I have to be ashamed of who I am.
radio roswell wrote:I have a confession

They say the church is where we come to confess our sins one to another. Well brothers and sisters , since this is one of the only churches I have left I need to confess.

The last few years have been a series of evolving out of the bitterness of IC life. I was reading some 2009 posts and wow were they fired up about it. I was throwing mental hand grenades fueled by emotional fire hoses of bitter waters.

Although I believe it was a nessacary stage of coming out at some point you need to grow past it. I found the root of it or maybe it found me when the time or vibe was right.

It goes way back even before the IC days. Childhood even.
I believe these issues do go back before our church days. Our temperament and life experiences make us susceptible to the control of the institutional church and, once we become free from religion, we can also become free from the shackles of our past.

Like you said, the bitterness and anger are often a necessary part of our healing as we throw off the poison from the past. The danger is when we stay in that place and I've seen, over the years, how you've moved forward into freedom and have encouraged others to move forward into theirs.
"Smell the aroma of your union with Christ" - Andrew Farley
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by Jac »

I just wrote a reply that took a while and when I went to save it I must have pressed the wrong button or something. I got a message saying I needed to sign in and my message was gone. Now I could put all sorts of interpretations on that and once would have (God is rejecting what I wanted to say, Satan is trying to stop me from posting etc etc) but the simple truth is I stuffed up!
I was commenting on how I agree that our temperaments and life experiences make us susceptible to control by religion.
A friend and I have talked a lot about this and we believe we were "sitting ducks".
I think most of us long for a family where we feel some sense of acceptance, belonging and being loved and I don't believe that in iitself is a bad thing. But if we experienced childhood abuse or neglect, it makes us susceptible to the promise of a "church family" but then it doesn't take long for disillusionment and disappointment to set in. But by then we are hooked by the fear thing, and blame ourselves as being inadequate and worthless.
My friend and I both had very difficult childhoods. I think our temperaments though inborn are shaped to some extent by life experiences too. It made us particularly susceptible to fear teaching, even coming to God in fear ("turn or burn" type messages) and living in fear of displeasing Him or being "outside of His will". I think childhood experiences (in particular neglect or abuse) can make it hard to really believe in and rest in a relationship with a loving heavenly Father. I guess I find the father thing harder too because my father died when I was young and my mother was abusive. For years after "becoming a Christian " I lived in terror that he was in hell (when I wasn't secretly blaming God for taking him and leaving me to suffer). When looking to the Bible the difficulty is exacerbated as I always seem to find reinforcement of the fear stuff even in the new testament. I think I am making better progress when I relax about the importance of Scripture and even stay away from them to a large extent.
Anyway I have veered off topic. Sorry. Sometimes I do rave on.
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by paul-s- »

radio roswell wrote: I have seen now that I have wasted vast energy on the desire of getting people to understand me or " get " me. I would find brilliance floating through the ethos of cosmic awareness coming to me and then owning it and hoping I would be rewarded as the origin with the flimsy cardboard award of brilliant applause from others and would expect that they would understand my vibe.
I think it's the want for approval.
Last edited by paul-s- on Wed Sep 16, 2015 2:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by paul-s- »

Jac wrote:I just wrote a reply that took a while and when I went to save it I must have pressed the wrong button or something. I got a message saying I needed to sign in and my message was gone.
It's called "time out" - many applications will force a sign-out after a set period of time. It's a security thing.
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by paul-s- »

Jac wrote: I was commenting on how I agree that our temperaments and life experiences make us susceptible to control by religion.
A friend and I have talked a lot about this and we believe we were "sitting ducks".
I think most of us long for a family where we feel some sense of acceptance, belonging and being loved and I don't believe that in iitself is a bad thing. But if we experienced childhood abuse or neglect, it makes us susceptible to the promise of a "church family"...
In summary, I'd say its neurosis and the want for approval. Religion compounds mental illness, albeit, mild mental illness.
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by Jac »

Hi Paul-s. Exactly what do you mean by it being "neurosis"and "desire for approval". I wonder if desire for approval can up to a point even be a good thing because we are not made to exist in our own little bubble without caring at all for the approval of others. We often praise and encourage and complement others and it is not meant to be meaningless to them. Like many normal things it can become excessive, insincere and then it is definitely not healthy. Neurosis is mild mental illness without organic cause according to one dictionary. However I think it can be caused by an abusive and neglectful childhood and then exacerbated by religion - from my own experience. Even more severe mental illness can be exacerbated (or even a person struggling to hold on can be pushed over the edge) by religion. I guess I am thinking too much about "what ifs" when we cannot know how things would have been if our lives had been different in one way or another
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Re: Confessions of a bitter x-fundy

Post by paul-s- »

Jac wrote:Hi Paul-s. Exactly what do you mean by it being "neurosis"and "desire for approval". I wonder if desire for approval can up to a point even be a good thing because we are not made to exist in our own little bubble without caring at all for the approval of others. We often praise and encourage and complement others and it is not meant to be meaningless to them. Like many normal things it can become excessive, insincere and then it is definitely not healthy. Neurosis is mild mental illness without organic cause according to one dictionary. However I think it can be caused by an abusive and neglectful childhood and then exacerbated by religion - from my own experience. Even more severe mental illness can be exacerbated (or even a person struggling to hold on can be pushed over the edge) by religion. I guess I am thinking too much about "what ifs" when we cannot know how things would have been if our lives had been different in one way or another
I agree with what you've said Jac and feel that you've answered your own questions.

Sorry if I've used disfavourable sounding labels in my posts. I just wanted to use a term that sums up anxiety, negative thinking, issues - the word neurosis came to mind. The dictionary is right, of course: "Neurosis is mild mental illness without organic cause". An organic cause would be a hormone imbalance or something. But anxiety is induced by ones reaction to their environment (not the environment itself). As you said, "it can be caused by an abusive and neglectful childhood and then exacerbated by religion".

I wasn't abused as a child, thankfully. But I did endure a lot of verbal abuse. I suffered from anxiety, depression, low self esteem and often struggled in relationships. Although, bizarrely, I had lots of friends when I was young (God's mercy no doubt). Loneliness became a major feature in my adult life - things are a lot better now. Those issues had significant negative impacts on my life, including important stuff, such as my job and finances. Religion only served to make things worse. I'm only just recovering now that I'm in my early forties.

I struggle to identify where and how all the negativity started. I think it was around the age of seven, when I suddenly began to wonder if I was okay the way I was. So you see how powerful the effects of a want for approval can be. We all need some degree of validation in life and we all need to love and be loved. But it can very easily become unhealthy. Even something like Facebook posts can be the expression of an underlying, and unhealthy want for approval.
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